A Nice Dose of Crack
by AgentGoldfish
Summary: Baljeet is having feelings he doesn't understand for a certain woman. Who, you ask? You'll have to read to find out ;   CRACK SHIPPING: BE WARNED.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I do not support the pairing you are about to read the first and hopefully last fic about. This is wrong, and I do not ship it in any way; it's all just a joke. I do not ship whatsoever, either, so do not ask for future ship fics. Thank you for being so kind as to read a fic about such a crack-y pairing.**

Baljeet sat there in his room, thinking. He was thinking hard. Harder than he'd ever thought before. And this wasn't even about math. This was about romance.

Earlier that day, he had realized something: Phineas had one _hot_ mom. His friend and neighbor for who knows how long, and he had just realized now the hotness of his mother. He couldn't believe it. His _mother._ Baljeet continued to ponder how it was possible he was so attracted to her. It was illogical. He was ten; she was… at least three times that. It could never work. Yet… he couldn't get the idea out of his mind. He _needed_ her. More than he needed math. And he needed math _badly._ It just didn't make sense. This shouldn't be happening.

The next day, he woke up and still couldn't stop thinking about Linda. He got dressed and went outside, heading to Buford's house; maybe a good bullying would knock the thoughts out of him. Buford gave him a wedgie as soon as he saw him. He laughed and noticed Baljeet's rather unnoticing of the bullying inflicted upon him. Buford knew when someone should be screaming in pain - after all, he had been a bully for at least three years – but Baljeet wasn't. He couldn't figure it out. Finally, he asked.

"Oh, nothing… I just can't get these thoughts out of my head!" Baljeet responded

"I'm sorry I can't help you in the thought department, but if you tell someone, maybe it would be easier" Buford answered

"Well… it's… this girl…" Baljeet began

"Ah, woman trouble. I know _that._ The ladies can't keep their hands off the Buford"

"…please, never say that again."

"Alright, what's your problem?"

"I just can't stop thinking about her! I know she's already kind of _with_ someone, and I know it's wrong, but I just can't stop thinking about her!"

"Is it Isabella?" Buford asked

"No, Buford, it is _not_ Isabella."

"Are you _sure_?"

"Yes! I am completely sure! I am not attracted to Isabella whatsoever! Besides, she's an older woman!"

"Is it Candace?"

Baljeet sighed. "No, it is not Candace. Do I need to just outright tell you!"

"That would be helpful."

"It's… It's Phineas' mother"


	2. Chapter 2

Buford's face went into a shocked expression. His mouth straightened, his eyes stared blankly, unblinking. His nose just… stayed there, being a nose. Noses don't normally move, unless you have the skill to wiggle it; that was a skill of which Buford did not possess. He could not wiggle his nose. But I'm going too much into this.

Baljeet couldn't wiggle his nose either, and he looked troubled. After all, he was having feelings for a woman three times his age. He had no idea how to come about this. Finally, Buford said "…you know she's married…"

"Of course I know that!" Baljeet yelled "I just… I don't know what to do"

"Why don't you just tell her?" Buford suggested

"TELL HER! TELL HER! HOW WOULD YOU GO ABOUT TELLING A MARRIED WOMAN SO MUCH OLDER THAN YOU THAT YOU LOVE HER!" Baljeet yelled

"Well, first, I'd go up to her, then I'd say "Hey, you're sexy, I like you"" Buford explained

"You cannot – Actually… that just might work!" Baljeet realized

Linda was sitting there in deep thought. She heard faint sounds of construction and her daughter's screaming but completely ignored it. She was wondering how she could be having these feelings. She was married. She was having feelings for a younger man. Much younger. How much younger? About three times younger. Yes. She was having feelings for… Baljeet. She couldn't explain it. She was not a pedophile – at least, she didn't think so. She hoped not. But there was something about his accent and his looks and his – ooh – his genius that made him irresistible to all the ladies – and even some men – in Danville, including her. Linda got up, and hit her head against the wall. Maybe she needed therapy. Maybe she needed Baljeet.

Linda did not know what to do. She didn't know how to deal with having feelings for a ten year old boy. No one had ever informed her about it. No one around her had ever had the same problem. She felt alone. She felt unique. In a bad way. She felt like she was the only one in the world with this problem. She hadn't even considered there may be entire internet communities dedicated to this, but she wasn't exactly the most "technologically inclined" person around. She still felt alone. Alienated. Unnatural.

Baljeet had decided to just go up to her and tell the truth, come clean, and reveal his love. He walked into Phineas and Ferb's backyard with a determined, yet nervous and unsure, look on his face. He passed right by their project, not even noticing what it was. He burst into their house, ran up the stairs, and opened the door to Linda's room. He said quietly "…I love you" to her. She didn't hear, looked up, noticed Baljeet was there, and looked nervous.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"I said… I said… I said… I LOVE YOU!"

"You – WHAT!"

"I know it's wrong and I don't blame you for hating me now, but I LOVE YOU!"

"But… I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Both's faces went into a shocked expression. Neither had expected the reaction of the other. This was followed by an awkward silence. After a few moments, Baljeet said "Blow me?"

Linda exclaimed "FINALLY~!"

Linda proceeded to blow Baljeet in a scene so disturbing we're not going to go into detail on it. The next day, Baljeet called Linda and said "Hey, baby, I'm so horny right now. How about I come on over there tonight, eh?"

"Oh, that would be _great_ baby. Definitely come over tonight. I'll be alone"

Candace was about to walk in at that time. She overheard the conversation, silently gasped, and ran off.


	3. Chapter 3

"...and that's why I can't eat Caeser salad anymore. Also, what should I do about my mom?" Candace spoke on the phone.

"Look, I've been listening to you ramble on and on for an hour, and I don't even know who you are. I'm just the operator. I'm just going to hang up now. Talk to someone you actually know." The operator hung up.

"...he makes a good point" Candace spoke aloud to no one in particular, and called Stacy. She explained the predicament to her.

"...and it really sucks because I _love_ Caeser Salad!" Candace explained, while munching on her favorite broiled ferret sandwich.

"Woah woah woah, go back. Your mom is cheating on your dad?" Stacy asked "With who?"

"I don't know, I only overheard what she said"

"This is probably one of those things where you just mishear something out of context and it builds up into one of those hilarious situations. Just get over it, you're wrong, I need to get ready for my date."

"Oh, you're back together with Coltrane? Or is it Albert this time? Or who, I can't keep track of all these relationships!"

"No, tonight I'm going out with Pinhead Pierre." Stacy said before hanging up.

"Pinhead Pierre? Wow, what a hottie. Anyway, I guess she's right. I need to just focus on other things. Like busting my brothers! ...WHO THE HELL AM I TALKING TO!" Candace monologued.

"So, after the books get catapulted over the - hey, has anyone seen Baljeet around lately?" Phineas asked.

"No, and it's making Buford lose it" Isabella answered.

"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B..." Buford stuttered.

"...weird" Ferb wasted his one line.

"Yap, yap yap, don't you ever shut up?" Phineas asked his brother. Ferb opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Phineas "Up up up! You only get one line! TWO if I'm feeling generous." Ferb shut his trap for the rest of the day after that.

"Harder. Faster. Faster! FASTER!" Linda yelled to Baljeet in the basement. They were having hardcore sex. All of a sudden, Baljeet pulled his dick out of her vagina, and yelled "SUCK IT BITCH". She obeyed and began to give Baljeet the greatest blowjob he's ever had. Also the first. If you don't count the one Gretchen gave him a month ago. This went on for a while, then Lawrence opened the door to the basement, singing the "Tuff Gum" jingle.

"Pound nerds like a drum, stop a train with your thumb, it's Tuff Gum!" He sang, while picking up an old box from the basement. "Hello, dear" he said to Linda. "And hello, Baljeet" he said to Baljeet. He proceeded to walk back up the stairs humming the Skiddley Whiffers song, and halfway up, he realized what was going on with his wife and son's friend. They were playing strip poker. That explains why they're naked. He asked "Can I join in? I love a good game of strip poker!"

"Strip poker? No, we are hav -" Baljeet began, but was cut off by Linda

"Oh, yeah, strip poker, sorry, but we just finished and put the game away. We'll invite you next time!"

"Oh, all right, fine... then get some clothes on now, we've got lots of things to do at the auntique store today!"

As soon as Lawrence was upstairs, Linda passionately kissed Baljeet and got dressed. Baljeet got dressed too, and they both went upstairs to continue on with their respective days. Linda went to the shop, and Baljeet went outside to get his daily wedgie. As soon as he got there, Buford gave him the most wedgiest wedgie ever. Except... it wasn't Baljeet's underwear. He had put on Linda's by mistake.


End file.
